When I go back and read a post like the one I wrote this morning (Deconstructing Homesick Loneliness), I want to take it off this blog. I can't believe those spaces and I embarrass myself reading it. Even the name of that post is just awful, you know I had to be in a terrible space just to write it.
But I'm not going to take it off, because that was real, even if it was fleeting, and now, this is real. PTSD is exactly like that. You're just regular, and then, you're in this intense altered space and it can be confusing. But I can see it now, it is losing its grip on me. (Here is a definite sign you are in your head or PTSD - all you can think about is the story, telling it, explaining it and justifying it). And I hope that in some way it helps even one person to know, that you are not the only person feeling so small and beat up at times that you can't even get out of your house.
Today, I used every bit of strength and discipline I had and forced myself back into the present moment. That is the only place there is ever peace and love, happiness and a life of joy and meaning. I am unwilling to remain a casualty of PANDAS, or to settle for less than, at the minimum, the emotional life I had before PANDAS ever happened.
It is taking some time but I am working my way out of the story, out of the trauma and into a present and future that is reliable, loving, abundant and free. And just, normal. One day I will stop telling the story of how PANDAS ever happened to me, it will no longer define me, at all.
This is my stand and this is my intention and if this a moment that I can call faith back to me, then I am willing to say that somewhere in me is still enough faith that I can honestly and truly turn this ship around.
I PRAY THIS SO HARD. I Pray that my faith will find me again, right here where I am, and bring me the strength and clarity to restore my heart and soul.
And I pray this for all of us, for anyone caught in a story of suffering, for any reason.
I pray that faith will find you, right where you are, when you need it most, and will carry you across the bridge, no matter how broken it may be, back into a place of peace and healing.
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