Life is Simply Forward and Back

Two steps forward, or maybe 10, or 100, who knows.

Then, inevitably, one or 5 or 50 steps back.

That's just how life happens, thats just how healing happens.

Actually, I think that healing happens in unpredictable leaps and bounds, and then the steps back are simply that the rest of us has to catch up with the part of us that has had healing. And once we are back to congruence, it is at a higher and more authentic level of resonance, and that we can't help but keep moving forward as healing and evolving beings.

I remember when I was in nursing school, learning about child development, about how babies learn. They learn best when their mom is there as a touchpoint, then they go off and explore a new part of the room, or a new person, or a new toy, and then they run back to the safety of mom's arms, to touch base and integrate whatever they experienced "out there" back into their real world, which is Mom. Then once they land and all is right again, back out they go, into the great beyond, then back in to mom, again and again and again, until one day, that touchpoint, our safe place, our conscience, instead of being mom, ends up deep inside of us. That's how we develop, supposedly. Does that ever really happen? Maybe that's ideal, but maybe, that's our evolution.

We all have a touchpoint. Maybe it IS our moms, our spouses, our friends. A strong ethical sense, a goal. A context. For me, that touchpoint is faith. Belief that life is good, that God is good, that love is glue that holds the world together. That faith became polluted, displaced, by intense prolonged pain during my PANDAS journey. So then for years, my touchpoint was simply hell. That was the essence of the PTSD that overcame me. But now, through intention, and alot of work, I am healing this, I am restoring my center with goodness and love and faith, and strength.

What is it for you? What is your touchpoint?

For many people I see in my practice, that touchpoint is food, food makes everything else ok. For some people it may be nicotine, or sugar, or alcohol. Or shopping. Or anxiety. Anxiety sucks, but at least its familiar, its a touchpoint and can at least remind me of where I am in space. For some people that touchpoint may TV, or exercise, or maybe the ocean. Or other people.

I do wonder about this. Is this why we need other people? And how much of that need is ok, and how much should simply not be there, in that we should never need anybody? Humans are, after all, herd animals. Isn't attachment expected, survival-based and instinctive? But then we are made wrong for needing people. I do not understand this at all.

If you know the answer to that, I'm interested. Because I'm sincerely confused about this right now. My relationships with other people became very damaged during our PANDAS journey. There is barely anyone that was not disappointing to say the least, at that time. My experience was that we were left alone in PANDAS hell to sink or swim.

So now, oh this is so interesting. So, as I look back on this blog, this question I have about the destruction happened to us through PANDAS - how it could have happened, who let it happen - now that I am working so hard to recover a sense of faith, I cannot simply say that God made it happen, or let it happen. That can't be the answer. So my mind is trying to find the answer somewhere else, IF there even is an answer. So now a part of me just simply wants to blame the people, the people in our life that let us down. That left or ignored or simply did nothing to help us. I do resent alot of people, but its confusing because on the one hand, I feel like I should have never needed them and so its my own fault, and on the other hand, we are herd animals by design and have to need other people. And we were drowning, alone, and very few people threw us out a line. How to make sense of this dilemma?

How much to open up to, rely upon, include and care about others as necessary part of my personal human experience again? I am so burned in this department. How to Forgive the people I still hold as internally accountable for our abandonment? The "F" word again!!

I have alot to say about this, this fundamental thinking about myself in relationship with the people in my life. But I'm going to just wait, and consider it, and see what if any wisdom will come to me in this regard, about holding other accountable for what they did.

And meanwhile, probably even more important, I see growing evidence that I am feeling more confident. I have been allowing myself to go out more, to say yes to more invitations. To be less committed to my small personal life. And while I have overall really shut down my heart to people, for the most part - since my grudge makes it too hard to trust anyone right now - every now and then, I steal glimpes of myself as a relaxed, happy, inquisitive and fun social being. Not just a discarded leftover from a PANDAS life. And I recognize that while PANDAS damaged much of the structure of my life, and even my most primal connection to life, I'm ok, I'm in here. And while i do feel like I missed out on so many good things and good feelings over this last almost decade, and while I became traumatized, the fundamental person that I am is so intact. I cannot tell you the relief this has been for me to be discovering. Like, finding a long lost friend. A part of me is beyond PANDAS, maybe always has been, or at the least, is coming back.

How long till I stop punishing myself completely for what PANDAS did to me, and to my child, and for what I did and became as a result? I don't know. But every day I am making leaps and bounds foward, then back, then forward.

And finally - the one constant here is that my son is healthy and well, and this one thing is allowing me the freedom to explore my own self and life.

If you are on a PANDAS journey - your time will come. It may look somewhat like mine, laden with PTSD and therapy and incredible pain and loss, and then, healing. Or maybe it will be easier. I hope it is. I hope this writing helps you to know, that your child CAN HEAL, and you, your own self can heal as well back into your life.