Deconstructing Homesick Loneliness

ARGGGHHHH I HATE THIS FEELING. Lonely homesick angst. I HATE IT.

This is what it looks like to battle PTSD. I'm not emotionally unwell, I'm not depressed, I'm not neurotic. But I am battling being overcome by these incredible emotions that cloud my thinking and try to make me believe that things are not OK today, when they are fine, but I can't find enough presence of mind to experience the OK-ness that today is. And its sad, and hard, and lonely, for no reason, and I hate it.

Last night it came on, it kind of ran me over. I feel it mostly in my throat and chest, its heavy and it hurts. Its a missing and a longing, an aching. I think its a piece of the PTSD that got triggered. In fact, I know that is true, because of the overpowering feeling nature of it. This feeling of being disconnected from the human race that makes no sense. And I hate it.

I was doing ok, so what happened? Well, coming back from Mexico to this strange isolated life, is one thing. I felt more at home in Mexico during our brief stay there, than I ever felt here in the entire 8 years we've lived here, or more accurately, haunted here. The warmth, the water, the sun, the relaxed nature not of the vacation but of the people, I can't explain that. I miss our life in Atlanta, where even though everyone had alot going on, there was more warmth and connection between families, and we were integrated into our friendships. I never felt integrated into this place outside of my work. I have always felt foreign, even before we moved here, which I never wanted to do in the first place, I did for my husband's business which is an entirely different story. I knew this was simply not my place. I never felt a chemistry with this area, a love for the land itself. Its cold, the water is cold, and the land is nice but its not my land. And I am a very visceral person when it comes to my home.

But I also cannot deny that the major part of my disconnect with this place is due to the fact that Lance was just starting to get sick when we moved here. His tics began on July 7, 2006, the day the moving van was loading our stuff. In the 10 days it took for me and him to drive here, from that day, Lance's tics, OCD and anxiety were in full swing. Memories of me driving like a maniac through the desert while he laid in the back seat with a jacket or something over his head because all of a sudden he had to count everything he saw - the light posts, the white lines and dashes on road, it was nuts. By the time we got here, we were a mess of anxiety. So no one here ever knew me as me, or him as him, or us as a family. And all this place does now is elicit feelings and memories of losses and loneliness and bad juju. Its no one's fault, but I still feel very resentful. I have to let that go.

So today is this 4th of July holiday and even though I'm busy with great plans all day, I'm feeling so disconnected and isolated. This makes no sense. I'm certain that today is simply triggering the memories and bad feelings of many years of holidays here in Sebastopol of being alone. And all the other bad isolation memories here. Holiday blues to the max. Holidays of any kind are such a sore spot for me now. I am a social person, and my pre-PANDAS life, I was essentially, alone when I wanted to be, and very involved in friendships and community when I wanted to be. Here, its always been just Lance and me, me and Lance. Thanksgivings, Christmases, 4ths of July's, Memorial Days, any time and all of the time. Not exactly the people invited to barbecues. Not because people don't care, or didn't care, but we were caught up in PANDAS land for a long time, and it was stressful for people. It was never like, hey let's invite Amy and Lance over and have some fun! Plus we were stuck here, because of overall lack of funds. And while we're not stuck here anymore, exactly, and while Lance is leaving for school in just a few weeks, and I am going to be moving more forward in my own life whatever that means - it still feels like this today. And its so freaking heavy.

I HATE THIS FEELING.

In the meantime, I have to pull it up, right now, and get myself out of the house. This house has more gravity than anywhere else on earth. I weigh 10 times more in this house, the pull is strong. Sometimes its hard to leave it for any reason except to go to work or the store. On days like this, the gravity is like, a million G's, and it can take tremendous fortitude to just take a walk or do anything or go anywhere ever. Its so so heavy, this house, right now. It's its own planet, and i'm in orbit around it, and that's it.

UGGGGHHHH.

This is what battling PTSD looks like, overcoming the gravity of these past feelings and emotions with the most intense intention I can muster and try to focus on the simple here and now.

OK so I am going to do 2 things right now. One is, try to remember and think about some good future things. Moving on from here, going to the desert this fall, the fact my darling son is healthy and going off to the school of his dreams, the fact I have a wonderful practice and I love what I do there, and I know even if I can't feel it right now, that my future is bright and hopeful. And i'm travelling to the east coast this fall to see family and friends as well as for professional travel. Secondly, i'm going to reach out to a friend or two, right now, and just get out of this funk because I know there is no way that I am as alone as I feel right now. And three, I'm going to get off of the computer, which is I think the center of gravity of the house, and just push myself out there. Outside. If i can just break free of this house to get outside, it will help my thinking so much. So that's what I'm going to try right now. And 4th, I'm going to get ready to go to a great party this afternoon, and to the fireworks tonight, and move the heck on in life.