oh this terrible awful missing feeling, arrgggghh its killing me today.
it started last night or maybe yesterday afternoon. what exactly am i thinking i am missing? I'm not 100% sure but it has something to do with yearning for my pre-PANDAS life experience - a normal happy life with normal ups and downs and loving relationships. but, why would this come on so strong?? this incredible yearning moment? nothing has changed, between yesterday - when i didn't feel this way - and today, or last night, when i started to. nothing is wrong, but i'm in this moment when my inner alarm bells are ringing and it feels like something is wrong. i am now calling this a PTSD moment, because it has nothing to do with my current reality, it just feels like it does.
this is what i do when it happens. i check my email a million times. i pace. i don't go to the gym. i stay in the house. I watch tv. i talk to myself and try to pull myself out of it. i try to figure it out. i obsess. i worry. maybe get myself on Facebook because i know there is always somewhere on those pages that will understand and help me feel less isolated. And now i will cry, i will cry in the car on the way to work, and hopefully that will help, because once it gets to the level of cry, maybe there is hope for me. then once i'm at work, i'll think about a bunch of other great things and hopefully distract myself from it and it will go back into the background for another day, or another week. and in it, in this moment, i get to choose that i'm ok, that this feeling is a feeling that will pass, and whatever and whomever i believe i am missing is a void that I MUST FILL with my own self, my own inner being, my own source energy, my own life. I have to come back all the way.
Is this faith?
OUCH.
No comments:
Post a Comment