The Unfolding

Yesterday an amazing PANDAS mom gifted me a session with a brilliant astologer that reads energy and life story in a chart the same way I read blood, with depth and insight and a level of integration not available to the common mortal.

She told me that my chart is just so difficult, its a karmic life. My stars have given me a soul path like Persephone, endlessly going down into Hell and back. Yeah, well I would call that difficult. But (based on this reading) my evolution, like Persephone, is redeemed by bringing the light and understanding I gain from my moments of freedom back down into the darkness to share with others, and then the Hell lessons back up to share in the light with others. That my life is this path, a healer's path, and my teaching is my personal lessons learned on my journey. And that I will share them and write them, and bring to others my ability to put into words, the depths and the lessons and the emotions and the dark narrow spaces in ways to bring help and freedom and healing to others. She told me all this without even knowing anything about me, and I would say it describes my life exactly. And that I will always teach what I have learned from my own personal Hell, and that my saving grace is this thing called a Trine, this profound watery fluid heartspace that gives me the capacity to hold the difficulty within a humongous compassionate lake of love and transformation. And that I can love with a tenacity that heals and forgives from the depths, a profound, extraordinary love. A healer's love.

She showed me where my chart is ripe and rife with the pain of abandonment and isolation issues, doing it alone, going it alone, and that i will always, when under enough pressure in what she calls a "trance" state, default by pulling into my self and feeling alone. And unsafe in the world, always looking and searching for my place, my safe belonging place. :( THIS is so true.

And that my whole life was set up to heal my child, alone, because I could, because I would, that's the likely way it would have happened. That my journey is so about healing the mother wound. My mother wound. My mother's wound. My wound as a mother. Our collective Mother wound.

She showed me where in my chart lives another of my greatest challenges, which is having any idea how to express a need in relationship with others, how blinded I am in even perceiving a need to my own self, and that by the time i can even perceive it, I am already in such dire emergency but have zero idea how to ask, either ever, or until I have already broken or left. And then, SAYS MY CHART, where I go within myself when my needs don't get met, is a tortured karmic place. THIS IS HARD WIRED by my planetary configuration!!! Or, soft wired, lets say. OK, so its not my fault. Can you believe that??? Its is a Huge Thing, right there in my stars, that I have come to transform and heal in my lifetime.

This is so true for me. Its a weakness and a problem that I have, and interestingly, something I have found I can solve to some degree, through Facebook. I ask my FB community to be there for me, because they are, and because i can voice it better in writing (oh well, just ask my ascendant ;-), in the both personal and nonpersonal way that FB is. I can still hide while asking for support, Yay Facebook, problem solved. It is about the hardest thing I can ever do to ask another person for support especially if its something I really really need. And especially to ask in person. Or if they simply offer, I have to say No No No so automatically i wouldn't even remember the person ever offering, it doesn't even register. That's a trance-state. Oh, I know, I should be beyond that, right? Safety outside of myself, not my best suit.

If you are a person in my life I have ever asked anything of, well, that says alot about who you are for me. THANK YOU for being that safe for me.

Or if you have been willing to be there for me, or contribute to me, whether I said yes or no...I thank you right here right now, for being that for me.

If I did not let you be there for me, and you were and I could not see that, I am so sorry please forgive me. You likely saw me struggle unnecessarily, or break, or I left. Either way I left you standing there, with a hand out, and I forgot to notice. I'm so sorry. Sigh.

She showed me just how wired I am for my body and senses to be exquisitely sensitive. Visceral, vibrational and kinesthetic. Everything comes into me through my body. Way before words, I feel and respond on a cellular level. I think this is why I am so sensitive to things like toxins in my body, and the vibration or energy of a place or person, or group of people. Like, my body is a vibrational hub that reads life for me. I've always known this but thought that it is just an adaptive response from growing up in an abusive household, you know, always read the energy and get out before everything erupts. But, this wiring predates that, and likely allowed me to survive the way I did. And its why I can read blood and bodies and chemistry the way I do, i can speak that cellular language in a unique way. I so get that. I can see why and where in my chart I long for and seek out resonance, and why I can spend hours or days in the wilderness, lying on a single rock or in a tree and just listening to the hum of the world, while wisdom and balance just flood into me and tune me up. I know I must trust these intuitive feelings no matter what it looks like on the outside. Well, I used to, and then I got so bogged down by this PANDAS thing, the personal resonance became a burden, so i tried to cut off the need to make it feel better. but still, this is the gift that gives me power in my exam room, and reading blood chemistry, and figuring out the metabolic monster that is PANDAS.

But wait - there's more! Here's The Best Part!!

My future is an open door. At this very moment, the heavens are conspiring to bring me healing and clarity, and for this I could not be more grateful!!! Like, the universe has literally lined up and opened up a door for me!!!! For me!! Can you believe it? I am in this transit called a second Saturn return that realigns and amplifies love and personal truth, at this very moment it is moving towards peaking in these next several months and will help me re-create a genuine life for myself. I KNOW THIS, I FEEL THIS. I have let go of so many things that were weighing me down. I often feel light and free and inspired, and its been so long since I've felt that way. The exile is over. And, there was something in it about finding PLACE. Place and HOME, my biggest unsettled issues, my greatest losses. Where is my home? and who are my people now? Where do I belong? Where is that safe place? I am so ready. Of course, I own that my exile was self imposed. Blind-self, yes, trance-self, but still, I colluded to bring myself down.

I literally said yes to moving from a home I did not want to leave, from the people I loved and did not want to leave, to travel 3000 or 3 trillion miles out here to the literal and figurative Wilderness, where my husband just had to be. I did it to save him. Because till death do you part. But now I realize its not just a physical death and then you part. No, it could be death on many levels. Emotional, psychic, energetic, financial, sexual. However much you are willing to kill off of yourself to save your marriage. Until you have suffered enough or are dead enough that you feel the world finally gives you permission to leave, if there is even anything left of you to leave.

I killed myself, by misunderstanding the signs, of what was called for in that moment. By my willingness to ignore what my deepest heart was telling me, I abandoned my life and myself as a human being. My entire body was screaming, for months, not just minutes or days or hours, but months - DONT DO THIS DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE DO NOT LEAVE YOUR PLACE but I did it because that was what my husband wanted and i justified it and thought, ok, I can make anything work. This was one of the most personally destructive things I have ever done. Till death.

I couldn't see what my stress and misalignment were doing to Lance. I kept trying to overcome it. I couldn't see that my longing to go home was actually an indicator telling me I could and should do that. I disempowered myself and sold out my needs and perspective to my husband's. And Lance is angry at me about that, well, not as much now as he was last year when we first talked about it. As he got better, and was able to look back and reflect on what the heck happened to us. He was mad I had been so stressed and unhappy, he was angry that I stayed with his dad who did nothing but create misery for the two of us. And I thought I was doing it FOR Lance, keeping our family together. He couldn't believe I would not follow my instincts and get us out of there. I hated it but felt so stuck, in my marriage, in this town. Trapped. And no matter how much I had tried to hide that from him there was no way. And I could not ever justify to him the part of me that sold us out like that. I could only try to explain my blindness and ask his forgiveness. And my own, that's even harder.

THERE IS NO WAY THAT YOUR CHILD DOES NOT KNOW HOW STRESSED AND ISOLATED YOU ARE.

Well, not like I didn't have a million reasons. I could justify my stuckness and my fear with reasons. We were totally broke, for one thing. Medical expenses, bankruptcy. From the nearly half a million$ I had in my personal savings when we moved here, not even including our family savings - plus the home we lost and everything else. I was absolutely exhausted most of the time. Lance's healthcare support was out here. His incredible high school, Sonoma Academy. Not like we didn't have some awesome people here. We just didn't belong here and I used every reason I had to avoid facing whatever it was I needed to face to get us out of here.

Sigh.

Here is the take-away lesson for you, dear PANDAS MAMA OR PAPA WARRIOR.

DO NOT GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP. Do anything you can to connect. ANYTHING.

Have the COURAGE TO FEEL BETTER. It is GRACE. It is deserved, and not deserved, at the same time. You will heal your child's illness AND emotional wellbeing from a place of love and balance better, than the devastation you feel right now.

REACH UP and OUT REEEACH OUT!!!!!!

I am unfolding and I am priveleged to share my journey with anyone that is helped by it in any way.

I am healing. I have had incredible insights and am willing to lean into the promise of this planetary moment for me, if that is where i can find validation and confidence and strength, to move forward and out of exile and into an unknown future that, while I believe it holds love and belonging (and something about Leadership in a huge way, she said...) for me, it still is shapeless and empty except a little glimmer of hopefulness and that's all, that's it. Its still a void, a black hole. But I have to go only by a gut feeling and let that lead me to wherever feels better, and that will be my next step. My next step may be an interim step, just to get to a place I feel better and from there, the rest will unfold without so much pressure.

If you are a PANDAS parent, please find a way, today, even for a few minutes, to put your pain away and create some joy in your home. Everyone will heal better, faster, through joy, than through pain. Including your child, and your other children, and your spouse and most certainly, yourself.

I wish you much love and success on your journey.