Thursday, December 4, 2014

Happiness

Dear Friends, Yesterday the most amazing thing happened.

It was brewing all day, really, all week, kind of. And it occurred to me, while I was taking a walk last night in the very warm pitch black night, it occurred to me that I could name this bouyant feeling...dare I say it..happiness.

I'm having happiness. I'm still almost nervous to say it in the other way I'd like to say it...I feel happy.

I feel happy. For no reason.

Bouyancy. Lightness. Desire to engage. Happiness! I remember this!! Its my authentic nature, just right there, out in the open, in the black night, for no reason.

I am not promising anything. I am not promising I will stay happy. Maybe this is just a moment of grace...well, happiness is grace. Its this open connected place that is just, pleasant and present and available and open.

Thank you God and Universe for allowing me to experience this day or week or moment of grace and happiness, and to remember that I am wired to be happy. THIS IS OUR NATURE. I just had forgotten, of course. Of course I forgot, I was so so buried for so long. My brain was overcome with the breakdowns of a life in PANDAS hell.

But I'm not permanently damaged...and either are you.

Our PANDAS journey took nearly 8 entire years of life. Terrible life. I was afraid I was so physically and psychicly and emotionally damaged - especially with all the PTSD and panic attacks that flooded my brain this past spring and summer - that true recovery was beyond me. Or at the least, would take my entire rest of life.

But I'm not damaged like that. And if I'm not, you're not. The human spirit is a powerful triumphant force, the most powerful force on this earth. Directed, it can move mountains. Directed towards our child's healing - it can and will and must conquer. Directed towards our own healing - it must do the same.

My happiness coming back is not an accident. My son is better, that is the key. And I have been on a quest for it all year. I have prayed, I have wracked my brain, I have been to the desert. I've been in therapy. I have tried to take better care of my body and hormones and nutrition and diet and to honor my need to be outside. I gave myself relentlessly to my work and to the care of children with PANDAS and with lyme in a space I hold to be the space of creating miracles. I worked and focused on all the positives in my astrological reading, and in the gift of an amazing channeled message that I recieved from my mom. I chose to believe in the promise of a new life. I've been to the east coast twice and imagined myself living a new life in a happy place with people like me. I put myself in a Landmark Seminar (first one in like 10 years!!), which just has been giving me access to a great conversation with other people powerfully committed to living a high quality of life. I've seized onto every good feeling I have had and named it and blogged it and tried to expand it with gratitude and focus, lighting up better brain pathways and having faith that they will gain in strength and momentum over time.

FAITH, there it is. Faith that my true nature would be restored to me at some point and letting go of the need to know and the need to have it now, and rest assured in the signs shown to me, that it will happen and all I had to do was to take care of the moment.

Well, here I am. At least I'm in the window of happiness and I can only imagine and expect it is a sign of amazing things to come:).

I wish you, if you can't reach a moment of happiness today, which I understand is just so far when your child is so lost and so sick...then I wish you a moment of at least knowing that no matter how bad it is, you are not permanently damaged, and you can at least believe that you will come back, and your child will come back. Please be brave and be a guerilla in the war against your child's PANDAS.

I can't wait for whatever my next post is:)

LOVE AMY

No comments:

Post a Comment