Letting The Chips Fall

"Rock bottom became a solid foundation upon which I rebuilt my life." ― J.K. Rowling

One thing I notice about gratitude. It just rises to the top. While faith is a choice that i wrestle with, gratitude just naturally shows up. It floats right up to the top of awareness like a breath of fresh air, and puts everything in place.

Right now I am feeling incredibly grateful - for myself, and for my brain's recovery.

I feel like I have gone through the eye of the storm, or the eye of the needle, of my PTSD. The panic attacks have really subsided, and every day I feel like my mental health is being restored to me. I cannot express the gratitude I have for my own self right now, my own thoughts.

I remember now. I used to love myself. I remember I used to completely trust my feelings and my thoughts. I remember I loved to spend time with myself doing things in the world. I remember the world was safe and loving as a context for my life. I remember now.

PANDAS stole my peace of mind and I was afraid I might never come back. But I am remembering now.

I am finding myself incredibly clear. Its familiar. Its intense, though. Its more laser-like than, say, a sitting back spacious kind of clarity. But not intense in a bad way. Maybe the intensity simply matches the degree I need that clarity right now to put my life back in order. I need the strength it will bring me to do the next round of hard work. I need it to take stock, tell the truth about my life and maybe some people in my life, and let the chips fall where they may.

A few weeks ago, while I was deep inside my PTSD, I took stock of my life, what shreds are left from my PANDAS journey, and what I found terrified me. Bankrupt, no credit, no savings left, no homes left, no marriage, living in this far away land, in exile, facing starting over from from scratch at 58 years old. This scared the living crap out of me and was actually a part of the panic. (Just so you know, I recommend NOT doing that when you are in the middle of a mental health breakdown. The last thing you need are more reasons to be terrified). A breakdown which, by the way, was absolutely inevitable and necessary. I was already broken down but I was fighting it. I had to go all the way down, to the rockest bottom. I had to completely dissemble any shred of belief I may have left that I had any control over anything. I had to fall to the place beyond which I could not fall any further. God, I hope I can't fall further. The only other place to go would be total nervous breakdown, which I can only imagine, includes meds and a hospital stay. Or death. If I didn't go there this time, I never will.

I can't pretend that I can control anything. I can't pretend I can fix my circumstances very easily and I can't pretend I can't fix them. I've always been enough before and I can only guess I will continue to be so. I certainly cannot control people. I cannot control which people stay in my life and which don't. This is the most painful of all. In fact, one thing PANDAS has taught me is that I can't really control anything. For awhile, I didn't even have control of my mental health. That was the scariest thing of all. Not only for me, but I'm sure for people around me.

So today, I remember. Today I am clear. Today I feel gratitude. Today I feel right relationship within myself, a lining up of parts that feels familiar. And today will be a good day. Today I will tell the truth. Well, I always try to tell the truth, but today, I will trust that the truth that I tell is reliable. And for that, I couldn't be more grateful.